Before and After
by NeoVenus22
Summary: Post X2. Everyone at the Institute was glad he was gone. Well, not everybody. Rogue, Bobby. [complete]


Author's note: I wrote this way back when, in 2003, and just never got around to posting it here. Oops. 

Post-_X2_, Rogue/Bobby,hinting tosome Rogue/John and Bobby/John, and even a little Rogue/Logan.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

She was on the couch, watching 'Wheel of Jeopardy' with Kitty and Jubilee, grateful for any distraction from her own disastrous thoughts.

As her companions began shouting out answers at the television, however, Rogue's brain focused instead on the category. "Before and After."

Before, life was complicated. After the Liberty Island incident, things were downright insane. She'd been an outcast, even more so than she'd ever been in her life, buried under the weight of stares that were both questioning and accusatory. It hadn't helped that her power transfer from Logan had left her oozing with his less-than-charming personality, so instead of demurring like the Rogue she was, she fought back with angry glares and angrier words.

By the time Logan had recovered, his essence had retreated back into the chasms of her soul, fighting with Magneto, often loudly, no matter how much she tried to shut it out. She'd needed Logan then, needed him to offer her strength when she had none to spare, needed it in the form of _him_, his body beside hers, his words echoing in her ear from his own lips, not from her own head. But he'd left.

Of the students, only Bobby had stood by her side. She'd resisted his attention at first, until Professor Xavier explained in that patient, gentle tone of his that the Bobby that had run her from the institute had actually been Mystique, acting out Magneto's plan to dismember Cerebro and get Rogue away from the protection of the X-Men.

So she'd flocked to Bobby, the only one who wasn't wary of her. He gave her strength, helped her stand against his own friends, which was a step beyond what Logan could have done. When he'd asked her to be his girlfriend, she'd readily agreed. Xavier had instructed every last resident of the Institute to not touch her under any circumstances, and Bobby was nothing if not obedient, so she knew she posed no threat to him if she was careful.

Through her alliance with Bobby, she also earned the trust, respect, and friendship of John Allerdyce. John was everything Bobby wasn't: angry, tough, unafraid to say exactly what he was thinking, unafraid to offend people. So between the two of them, Rogue had a well of strength.

Eventually the other students warmed up to her, and she actually became close with her roommate, Kitty Pryde, and Kitty's close friend Jubilee (although that took even more time and a lot of prodding by Kitty). Rogue loved having girls around. In the recesses of her mind, the memories that were still solely hers, she had some close school chums from her Marie days, her non-mutant life. And she missed them. But here, she was part of a crowd again. Kitty and Jubilee were excellent for idle chatter about boys or school or clothes or movies. But when she wanted a serious discussion, she had Bobby and John.

Unfortunately, the girl who could not give her body gave her heart and mind instead. Her mind's torturous rebellion against her, she'd fallen for three separate men. One was Logan, of course, the guy that had abandoned her once but had saved her countless times. It was hard deciding which one outweighed the other, but the clatter of dog tags at the hollow of her throat was enough to convince her that she hadn't lost him completely, not yet.

Then naturally, there was Bobby, her boyfriend. She didn't know if she loved him because she was supposed to, being his girlfriend, or because of his support, or just because. But the fact remained that she did, and she felt guilty for loving anyone else.

There was also John. Cynical, antisocial John who would do things just because they pissed someone else off. He lived to amuse himself, but at the same time there was another side of him, a softer side that he only showed to Rogue and Bobby. The deep, thinking side, the inner John that would hug you if you were crying. Rogue remembered one of those first nights when she was lost and alone, wanting to run again because she just couldn't take it here, but staying because of Logan. She was staying for a man who couldn't stay himself. She'd gone to Bobby's room, as Bobby was her only confidant.

But he hadn't been there. John had answered the door, and said that Bobby was off in the Danger Room for some one-on-one training with Cyclops, and he wouldn't be back for an hour. Rogue had said she'd wait, and she did wait, sitting cross-legged on Bobby's bed while John resumed what he'd been doing when she'd interrupted him, reading a book that he held in one hand while he incessantly flicked his lighter in the other.

Rogue was remembering something especially cruel that Jubilee had said to her that morning while they'd been leaving Miss Munroe's class, and she let out a smothered cry. On the bed on the opposite side of the room, John looked up, concern in his face. "You want me to stop?" he said, not meanly, holding up his lighter hand slightly.

Rogue didn't know what to say to that, she didn't think that John ever stopped flicking his lighter when someone requested, let alone volunteered. The only exception to that rule might have been when a teacher asked it of him, to which he only grudgingly agreed, replacing the flame in his hand with fire in his eyes for the remainder of the class.

But he was offering, and when she met his eyes, there was sincerity in them. "It's not that," she said softly, and then looked away because he would make fun of her if he saw she was crying.

Too late, though, he'd seen. He put down the book on his bedspread, put the lighter on top, and crossed the room to sit next to her. "Hey, what's wrong?" She was just thinking it was something that Bobby would say, that Bobby had said.

"It's just..." she started, then couldn't finish, instead punctuating her fragmented sentence with a strangled sob.

"It's not those two bitches, is it?" John said with a touch of anger in his voice, and that was where the similarities between him and Bobby ended.

She looked at him. "I thought they were your friends," she said.

"It's hard to be friends with people like that," he said, and she couldn't quite believe she was hearing this, because this was John Allerdyce, Pyro, saying that you shouldn't make unprovoked attacks on people. John who was constantly making snarky remarks at other peoples' expense. "Listen," he continued, "don't listen to a word they say, okay? You've been through a whole hell of a lot, and they're just two idiotic high school girls who don't know shit."

"You're right," she said, because he was right. But she cried anyway, softly, because she had to. Because life was unfair, especially for her, and they could try all they wanted, but no one would ever understand her, not completely. And while she cried, John put his arm around her shoulders gently, sensing that she would need him to.

By the time Bobby returned to his room, Rogue had long since stopped crying, and she was flipping through Bobby's history notebook while John read over on his bed, lighter clutched in his hand, but not flicking it, not once. They never said what had happened in Bobby's absence, never admitted to anyone that in those moments alone, they had shown sides of themselves to each other that they could never show another person, mutant or otherwise, and in those moments, Rogue had fallen hard for the boy called Pyro.

Before, it was complicated, being Bobby's girlfriend but refusing to let him touch her, though she wanted him to. She wanted John to, too, and Logan again...her heart was torn into fragments, belonging to three people that she could never have.

After, everything was ridiculously simple.

Logan was back now, indefinitely. He still called her kid, still had a special smile for her, and she still loved him, but it was much harder now. He hadn't sacrificed himself to save her at Alkali, and while she still hero-worshipped him, it wasn't to that strong a degree as before. And having him around more often quelled her longing somewhat. It was sort of like lusting after a particular celebrity for some time, then actually meeting them and finding out they were quite boring, and a lot shorter than you'd been expecting.

Her relationship with Bobby was strained now, though she didn't want it to be, but it couldn't be helped because John was gone.

Everyone mourned the death of Jean Grey. The ones who'd been there, the ones who'd seen her die, and the ones who hadn't. Jean had been such a phenomenal presence in all of their lives, always there with a patient smile and a kind word. A good teacher, a good person to talk to, a gentle soul, and one you knew could whup your ass if you got out of line. People loved Jean.

No one noticed Pyro's absence. If they did, they didn't say much, and if anything at all was said, it was generally derogatory.

Bobby moped about the Institute for some time. Classes were few and far between, with Jean gone, and Scott lost in his own personal woebegone haze, so Bobby had a lot more time to sit alone in his room, stare at John's side, and look miserable. Which was what he was doing the entire time he wasn't in class, and several times when he should have been in class. Rogue stopped by his room constantly, glancing in at him, understanding his pain.

While she sat watching the Wheel with Kitty and Jubes, Professor Xavier appeared in the doorway of the common room. "Rogue, may I have a moment."

"Yeah, sure, Professor," Rogue said, getting up. The girls glanced at her, but since it had nothing to do with them, it was only a passing glance before they returned their attention to the TV. It was what John would have done if someone else was in the room; if he was alone he would've watched her go, concerned. She knew that. She knew that she and Bobby were John's only real friends, and that he didn't want to show it, but he did care about them, a lot.

She slowed her pace to keep with the Professor as he wheeled down the hallway. "It's been some time since the events of Alkali Lake, and I think it's clear that John Allerdyce won't be joining the Institute again," he said frankly. "I suggested to Bobby this morning that he clear out John's side of the room, but considering his current state, I ask that you help him. Otherwise it would never get done."

How could he ask this of them? Rogue thought, brimming with an anger that she knew was John's, something that just boiled in her body with a heat unlike any she'd ever known.

The Professor leveled her with a stare. "I understand this must be hard for the both of you, as the three of you were quite inseparable. But I ask that it be done. It's not an insult to Pyro's memory, Rogue, it's a tool to help the both of you come to terms with his absence."

An icy, rational calm slipped over her, something that she knew belonged to Bobby. Was any emotion she ever had anymore hers alone? But she found it soothing, and she nodded. Her own psyche would have cried, but the four men whose voices she held inside her wouldn't allow such a thing to ever happen, so she set her jaw, and knocked on Bobby's door.

He didn't answer, but he never did anymore, so she just let herself in.

"Hi, Bobby."

He didn't look up.

"The Professor said we should clean up John's stuff."

Still her boyfriend remained stoic, so she shut the door behind her, leaned against it, and stared at him. "We might as well, you know. He's gone. He's not coming back, face it." She wasn't sure who that was, speaking with her voice, but whoever it was, they were right. He'd had to choose, John or Pyro, and he'd chosen Pyro. He wouldn't be coming back. Eventually, they'd probably have to fight against him, and that meant Rogue and Iceman, too, now that they were official X-Men.

Bobby glared up at her, heat in his ice-blue eyes. "Don't say that."

"What do you want me to say, Bobby?" she demanded, feeling another rush of fiery anger, one that was a bit of a combination between Logan and John. "You want me to lie, want me to say that he just went out to the grocery store, got a little lost on the way back? He chose the Brotherhood, Bobby, he chose Magneto and Mystique, he's _not coming back_. Okay? I miss him as much as you do, but missing him isn't going to make him come back. Keeping his room exactly the way he left it isn't going to bring him back."

Bobby slumped backwards, crushing his pillow under his head, looking tired and sad and utterly defeated. "Fine," he mumbled, but made no move to get up. With a groan, Rogue stooped and began to gather John's things into some cardboard boxes the Professor had supplied her with. She ran her hand over the surface of his red physics notebook, tracing the drawing of the flame he'd embedded in the cover, feeling the rush of him in her head. _"Don't ever let anyone try to take you down, Rogue. You're stronger than that. You're stronger than any of them know."_

She wanted to cry, but John wouldn't let her. So instead she packed his notebooks, one by one into the cardboard boxes, then when she was done she opened his dresser drawers.

"I love him, Rogue," came Bobby's small voice from the other side of the room. "Do you know that?"

She hadn't known it specifically like a fact, like him telling her just now, but she'd always known in the recesses of her mind. "Yeah," she said, then decided _what the hell_, and added, "I love him, too."

Maybe he was expecting her to get angry, insulted at his statement, and she was certainly expecting the same from him, but instead he sat up and looked at her. "There was just more to him than anyone out there really knows."

She nodded. She understood completely. "I still...hear him. In my head." She looked down, feeling Bobby's eyes boring into her and wishing she could make him understand that while it sounded great to have John always with her, it was more painful than having John gone and not being in her head. At least that way, she wouldn't be constantly reminded of his betrayal, of his abandonment...

Logan had left her. John had left her. Even Dr. Grey had left her.

Rogue stopped cleaning and crawled to Bobby's side. "Please don't ever go," she whispered. "Please."

He put his arms around her, and for a flash Rogue recalled sitting here, on this very mattress, John holding her and telling her that everything would be okay, that she just had to be strong. She heard him in her head now, and it was almost like he was actually there.

"I won't," he said. "I won't ever leave you, Rogue, I swear. It's going to be okay again."

"We have to be strong," she answered, resting her head against his shoulder and allowing herself to pretend for a second that it was John.

But when she opened her eyes, nothing had changed. John's side of the room was half-cleared out now, and Logan was down in the Danger Room, overworking himself to get his mind off the anguish of Jean's absence, and Bobby was crying softly as he held her, and this was the way it was always going to be.

She still had them in her head, though. Before, she'd been alone in the world, and after, she had the three people she loved most forever with her, even when they couldn't be there for real. It didn't seem like it now, but maybe, just maybe, it was better this way.

Rogue kissed Bobby for as long as her power would allow without seriously hurting him, trying to bring her inner John to the foreground for him, trying to help transfer some semblance of strength to the only one she had left. John had had to be strong for her, and now she had to be strong for him, even though he wouldn't see it.

"Here," Bobby said when she pulled away from him. "Let me help you."

She handed him an empty box and they started to go through Johnny's things, thinking and remembering and wishing and trying to forget.


End file.
